Jay Leno
"House Speaker Nancy Pelosi told reporters that although they lost the governorship in New Jersey and Virginia, Democrats were the real winners on election night. ... In a related story, scientists now say Botox can cause delusions."

Conan O'Brien
"White House, President Obama met with Native American tribal leaders and they gave Obama  the Indian name 'He Who Cares.' Isn't that nice? ... Then they gave Vice President Joe Biden the Indian name 'Big Chief Running Mouth.'"

"President Obama said that his economic plan has saved or created one million new jobs. Well, one million and two if you count the new jobs he's created for governors of Virginia and New Jersey."

-Jay Leno


"Voters in the state of Maine voted no to gay marriage, but yes to medical marijuana. That's right, people in Maine believe marriage should be a sacred institution between a really stoned man and a really stoned woman."
- Conan O'Brien


"One year ago, ladies and gentlemen, Barack Obama was elected president one year ago. One year later, we're still in Iraq. We're still in Afghanistan. But, you know, at least we got rid of Paula Abdul."
- David Letterman


"HBO is running a documentary about the election of Barack Obama. It's called 'By the People.' It's all about the election of Barack Obama, and after this, they have a documentary about the election of George W. Bush. It's called 'By Mistake.'"
- David Letterman 

Jimmy Fallon

"The unemployment rate went above 10% for the first time since 1983. Last week, economists were saying that the recession is finally over, but this week, all of the economists were laid off. So, it is tough."

David Letterman - NY Yankees Jeter, Pettitte & Posada