"The big news here in New York City, that awful guy, Khalid Sheikh Mohammed — you know this guy? Terrorist mastermind, been down in Guantanamo Bay for seven years, bringing him to New York City, and he's going to be on trial here in New York City. Now, the good news is it should be pretty entertaining because Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin are hosting."
– David Letterman

"And the Postal Service announced last week the Post Office lost $3.8 billion last year. I've got a good idea. Let's put the government in charge of healthcare! Fantastic idea!"
– Jay Leno


"Former Vice President Dick Cheney is in the news. Cheney slammed President Obama for bowing before the emperor of Japan. Cheney said, 'Come on, it's not like he's the CEO of Exxon.'"
– Conan O'Brien


"A new poll shows that President Obama's approval rate is now under 50%. 'Well, welcome to the club,' I said."
– David Letterman


"The White House has announced that they no longer recognize Fox as a news organization which puts them about eight years behind the rest of us."
– David Letterman


"And Congress now looking at a possible amendment to a bill that would allow passengers to check guns on Amtrak. That's amazing, isn't it? They figured out a way to make Amtrak even more dangerous."
– Jay Leno


"In Congress — this is big — 91-year-old Senator Robert Byrd set a record for the longest time served in congressional history. During his time in office, Byrd has passed over 800 bills and 600 kidney stones."
– Conan O'Brien


"Did you see any of the Sarah Palin on the Oprah show? Wow. She said that she disagrees with Barack Obama getting the Nobel Peace Prize. She said she thought it was premature and she said other world leaders, other foreign dignitaries, probably more deserving of that award. Of course, she couldn't name any, but still."
– David Letterman


"Sarah Palin is still dominating the news here. She was in an interview with Barbara Walters. She was asked to rate Obama's performance as a president on a scale of 1 to 10. And Palin was like, 'Oh, that's easy, F.'"
– Jimmy Fallon

"And the Boston Teachers Union is stopping 200 teachers from getting their bonuses for good job performance. The union says teachers, good and bad, should all get bonuses. Even the Obama Administration is calling this socialism." – Jay Leno

David Letterman's Top Ten Highlights of Barack Obama's Interview With FOX News
10. First question: "Sup?"
9. Showed up wearing one of Michelle's halter tops.
8. Interview split into domestic issues, foreign affairs and one round of bare-knuckle boxing.
7. Promoted Obama's new book about his life as a sassy Alaska hockey mom.
6. Mostly about Shakira's awesome new "She Wolf" video.
5. Interviewer kept referring to "alleged President Obama."
4. Began new feud over which "Twilight" star is hunkier, Robert Pattinson or Taylor Lautner.
3. When Titans owner Bud Adams gave everyone the finger.
2. A laughing George W. Bush called to ask, "How you liking it, sucker?"
1. Only thing they could agree on is that Glenn Beck is a load

Robert Pattinson On David Letterman